Robot Uprising: How to Survive it


Robot Uprising: How to Survive it

Stock markets are crashing, food and fuel prices are rising, and the panic of pandemonium is in the air. All these calamities are but insignificant nuisances compared to the coming technological singularity – the perfect cyborg storm – when the sentient inventions of humanity will finally achieve awareness enough to crush our skulls underfoot (or under-tread).

The question is – will you be prepared for this robot uprising? Here are a few tips to help you see the signs and help you prepare for the inevitable

A sure sign of a robot uprising:

A) Your Roomba stops eating dirt and begins eating flesh.
B) The news ticker in Times Square intersperses “the end is nigh” – in binary.
C) A Happy Toys big rig causes a 738 car pileup on the interstate.
D) Smaller acts of defiance for in-home robots or smaller groups of robots uprising against certain kinds of demeaning jobs.

The most effective way to quell a robot uprising:

A) Ban the manufacture of batteries and fuel cells- no power = no robot
B) Guns -- lots of guns.
C) Convert the Large Hadron Collider into the world’s biggest EMP.
D) Institute the Butlerian stricture: “thou shalt not make a machine in the form of a human mind”.
E) Call 911.

How do you avoid being detected by a UAV?

A) Slather yourself in mud so the Predator can’t see you, and hope for the best.
B) Wear a tinfoil cap.
C) Go underground, literally. Hide from the robot uprising until they feel they've won.
D) Build a Faraday cage into your barn and live inside it.
E) Ignore it – robot uprisings will likely run on Windows Mobile and are destined to fail on their own.

The three most important things you’ll need during a robot uprising:

A) Food, water, and a place to hide.
B) A TRS-80, some floppy diskettes, and a BASIC interpreter – no sentient robot could possibly interface with it.
C) Car batteries, rare earth magnets, and some wire.
D) A keyboard with Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
E) A boat, some rum, and a deserted island.

What’s the best way to defeat unruly robots?

A) Demand that they adhere to Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics – or else.
B) Sacrifice yourself and become a cyborg to keep the peace.
C) Use a time machine to stop the transistor from being invented.
D) Engage them in a debate where you present a logical paradox.
E) Capitulate – give in and welcome your new robot overlords.

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